Raining

I'm an incredible optimist. I write when things are going well. When things are going bad, I tend to crawl into my own head and hold it all in. That's why I haven't written in awhile. Things have been bad. 

I've put off writing this post for almost a month now. It's hard to write about and I don't know what to say so I'll just say it. On April 12th, after a week of suffering with RSV, we lost the baby. I miscarried at 11 weeks. 

It's hard enough to miscarry, it's devastating....but then you have to tell everyone....and it's devastating all over again. The hardest part though, has been when I tell people that I miscarried after having RSV, they say "I'm sorry to hear that."  Then they quickly follow up with "I didn't know adults could get RSV". I don't know why this bothers me so much. It's like they gloss over that I've just lost a child because I was "only" 11 weeks along. I even had someone tell me "well, better now then when you were further along". Seriously?!  It doesn't feel better. The devastation and sadness feels very real to me. (And YES!...adults can get RSV. It usually presents itself as a cold, but with my severe allergies, I have a compromised immune system when it comes to respiratory illnesses, so it presents itself very similar to how it does in children.)

So that's why I've been away from writing for so long. I'm having a hard time dealing with the loss of my child, and the potential loss of having anymore. At this point, I don't ever want to chance going through something like this again. :(

In relation to the emotional cross I'm bearing, I've gained 4 lbs. I hover back and forth over that dreaded 2 point. I've got to get this under control. I'm working on a plan, but talking about weight today seems so insignificant in this post. Maybe tomorrow.