Life After 30...somethingoranother

For years I have dreamt of being tall and skinny. Every time I've dieted and attempted to lose weight, I've always had this magical number in my head...120.

I don't know where this number originally came from. I'm not sure if it was arbitrary, or if somewhere I read some "ideal" weight chart and for my height of 5'3", someone decided that 120 lbs was the "ideal" weight. I'm not sure how they came up with this number, or if this ideal 120 included any muscle tone. What I do know is the last time I was at that weight was 8th grade, and I thought I was fat then. (What I wouldn't give to go back and shake some sense into myself!)  At that time, I already struggled with my weight. I controlled it through diet pills, diuretics, not eating for days, or my personal favorite...purging. I didn't exercise, except for the small amount I got from cheerleading. It wasn't until I hit my 30's and reflected back that I realized that even though I was at my lowest weight for 5'3", I wasn't at my fittest. That didn't come until I was 32...and 165 lbs!  Yes, I was 40 lbs heavier, but I wore the same size clothes as that 8th grade body...and/but I was STRONG.

At 32, I decided to run.

Running allowed me to be sporty and participate in sports I never would have thought my body could do. It made me appreciate my body...it made me in awe of my body. I even ran my first (and only) Half Marathon.

I want to be able to do that again. I want to be able to run, and not worry about my knees giving out (or my ankle as I sit here with an overuse injury). I want that feeling of running 13.1 miles again. ...but most of all, I want to control my binge eating. I know that until I get my diet under control that I will continue to run on overweighted knees and fear running. :-/

This is my continued journey...